January 14, 2015

We Rule the Night: Top 10 Awesomely Bad Heavy Metal Music Videos

Heavy Metal: It's loud, in your face and sometimes it's just downright funny. Here are ten awesomely bad music videos to prove that.

10. Hear 'n Aid - Stars

Back in the '80s, it seemed like everyone was recording a song to raise money for a cause. In Canada they had "Tears Are Not Enough", in England there was "Do They Know It's Christmas?" and here in America we had "We Are the World". It seems though some don't remember that the metal community also took part in help raise awareness when metal legend Ronnie James Dio and his bandmates wrote the song "Stars". They managed to form Hear 'n Aid, a one-time collaboration that featured just about every member from an '80s metal band that were big at the time: Rob Halford (Judas Priest), Vince Neil (Mötley Crüe), Don Dokken (Dokken), Blackie Lawless (W.A.S.P.), Kevin DuBrow (Quiet Riot), Geoff Tate (Queensrÿche), the guys from Spinal Tap, among many others to help record the song. The best part is that they made a music video for the whole recording. Watching '80s metal musicians sing and play their hearts out and look glamorous all at the same time for seven minutes is truly astounding.

9. Eudoxis - Metal Fix

I don't know much about Eudoxis other than they are from Canada and they put out this little thrash metal video. The song is awesome and the video doesn't really have much to it. All you see is them playing their instruments and headbanging, but what else would you expect from a heavy metal music video? What makes this video so entertaining are the band's outfits. These guys made sure that they were covered in spiked body armor from head to toe. They even added some spikes to the drums to complete the look. Another part that makes this video so enjoyable are the close-ups of the lead singer. He looks like he couldn't decide if he wanted to be in a heavy metal or a new wave band. If you are ever in need of a "metal fix", then I highly suggest checking out this video.

8. Halloween - What a Nice Place

Heavy metal and horror really do go together like peanut butter and jelly. This band Halloween is a good example. These guys were like the love child of glam and doom metal with their big hair, black make-up and spooky lyrics. To call yourself Halloween, you better live up to the name and they sort of did all thanks to their music videos. Let's just say "What a Nice Place" was their "masterpiece" out of the two or three videos they made. First of all, it begins with the "Silver Shamrock" theme from Halloween III: Season of the Witch. Now I don't know about you, but that's enough for this gal to get excited about a music video. We also get to see the band playing in dungeon full of skulls, the drummer using gigantic bones for drumsticks and a newlywed couple being chased in a house by what looks to be extras from the 1984 horror film Rocktober Blood. Talk about a pure '80s metal cheesefest. It's a shame Halloween weren't big back in the day, because I think they just might be one of the coolest bands to ever grace this planet.


7. Judas Priest - Hot Rockin'

If you have ever seen the 1986 documentary Heavy Metal Parking Lot, you know by now that Judas Priest is the best. Doesn't matter if they go roller skating through Central Park, sing a song about being someone's "Turbo Lover" or even make a silly music video from time to time, these guys are true heavy metal legends. Not sure who thought of the idea for the music video for the track "Hot Rockin'" off the band's 1981 album Point of Entry, but someone clearly wasn't thinking straight that day. It starts off with all the guys in Judas Priest working out. Maybe it's just me, but I think Judas Priest would be one of the last heavy metal bands I would ever expect to see at a gym. It then cuts to the band singing in the showers (Hello, Glenn Tipton) while lead singer Rob Halford hangs out in a sauna, because you know saunas are very metal. For the rest of the video we pretty much see the band performing, but all of the sudden all of that cheesy greatness returns when the speakers explode and Rob Halford begins to light everything on fire with his microphone. Judas Priest wanted to give us a "Hot Rockin'" music video and they did only adding a little extra cheese to it.

6. Voivod - Ravenous Medicine

If you've never heard of Voivod, you will definitely become a fan after watching this. You might even watch it over and over again. Between Snake's hilarious facial expressions, a guy dressed as a chainsaw maniac as well as a doctor holding a syringe full of "AIDS" and using cheap green screen effects, these Canadian thrashers managed to make one of the best "so bad, it's good" music videos of all time for their anti-animal experimentation song "Ravenous Medicine". It's obvious these guys didn't have much money to make their video, but that didn't stop them from making sure that the song's message got across. Stop animal slaughter and stop ravenous medicine!

5. Thor - Anger

Alright, so it might be considered the worst music video ever made in heavy metal history. So what? It's Thor! If you're a fan of Thor then you know that their music videos have always been made on a low budget (watch "Lightning Strikes"). Heck, even frontman Jon Mikl Thor is best known for starring in low budget horror films such as Zombie Nightmare and Rock 'n Roll Nightmare. As you can see in "Anger", these guys didn't need thousands of dollars to make an entertaining music video. All they needed were some cheap effects, swords and Jon shirtless (Eat your heart out, Fabio). Thor should've changed the lyrics to "Awesome is my middle name", because this music video definitely is.

4. Manowar - Gloves of Metal

"We wear leather, we wear spikes, we rule the night". Damn right you do, Manowar. You know what else rules? This music video. With their long hair and furry loincloths, these guys certainly look like they could be extras in Conan the Barbarian. There's not a whole to the video other than the band riding horses and playing on a big stage in front of their fans that don't really look like Manowar fans. Oh, and towards the end they bring out the swords and fight off a bunch of cavemen showing that us they are indeed true metal warriors. Yes, it's a corny music video, but there's no denying that it might even make you swoon.

3. Savatage - Hall of the Mountain King

First of all, I just have to say that this song kills. Once you hear Criss Olivia's opening guitar riff you are immediately hooked. Also have to mention Jon Olivia's incredible vocal range. That evil laugh of his gives me chills every time. With an eerie song comes an even more eerie music video. Okay, maybe not. It just has a dwarf running around a cave to try to steal gold from the so-called Mountain King with the help of vocalist Jon Olivia. At the end, the dwarf makes it out with a treasure box that contains a cassette of Savatage's Hall of the Mountain King. Now that's how you promote an album.

2. Venom - Nightmare

Venom rules. Not only are they pioneers of both the thrash and black metal genres, but these guys are also comedic geniuses. You can definitely see that in their video for "Nightmare", which is basically about a woman who keeps having nightmares about a creepy, old lady chasing her around. It's silly, but it's really the band that makes this video so hilarious. It's almost like watching This Is Spinal Tap!. They tried so hard to look mean and frightening, but it just wasn't paying off. Obviously it was all just for shits and giggles and that's why I love bands like Venom. They don't take themselves too seriously. They're all about having fun and entertaining the fans. Oh, and if they ever make a movie about them, they should get either Joseph Gordon-Levitt or James McAvoy to play Cronos.


1. Candlemass - Bewitched

That moment when Messiah Marcolin rises from the coffin during his "funeral", you know you're in for a real treat with this music video. The video is mainly Marcolin walking around hypnotizing people once he points his finger at them and shouts "You are bewitched". With that afro and those Kate Bush-like dance moves, you can clearly see why he calls himself as the master. Also, I'm pretty sure that this is the only music video to ever feature a guitarist playing a solo with a broken hand. To top things off, Marcolin introduces everyone to the most metal dance ever (the Doom Dance or whatever you want to call it). Soon Messiah Morcolin and his hypnotized headbangers whip into a Doom Dance frenzy that eventually sends him back to the grave. If that doesn't entertain you, then I really don't know what else will. It's the best worst music video of all time.

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