June 24, 2011

What Are You Looking At, Nerd?: Top 10 '80s Movie Jerks

I love to hate them. You love to hate them. We all love to hate them.


10. Cinder Carlson (Little Darlings)

Losing your virginity can be one of the most terrifying moments in a person's life, and to have someone like Cinder Carlson (Krista Errickson) pressuring you to do it can make it even more difficult. All Ferris (Tatum O'Neal) and Angel (Kristy McNichol) wanted to do was go to summer camp and try to have a good time. Instead they were spending their time trying to lose their virginity, because prissy Cinder made them feel so ashamed that they haven't already. I know the girls learned a very valuable lesson at the end, but still they experienced something so meaningful at a very young age. Cinder pretty much learned that putting out at a young age doesn't make you special and that it's probably something you shouldn't brag about.

9. Melvin Moody (My Bodyguard)

Anytime I think of bad guys in movies, I usually think of those Matt Dillon has played. One of his early bad boy roles was as Lake View High School's big bully Melvin Moody in the 1980 comedy-drama My Bodyguard. Being the new kid at school is already a drag for Clifford Peache (Chris Makepeace) and when he meets Moody and his gang, he knows that the rest of his school year is going to be even more miserable. Moody is like your typical bully, he usually bugs kids for their lunch money and trips them in the cafeteria so everyone else can see. The thing that makes him an ass even more is that when he takes the kids' lunch money, he tells them that his reason for doing it is to protect them from the large, school outcast Ricky Linderman (Adam Baldwin). Just when you think Clifford gets a break from Moody when he hires Linderman as his bodyguard, Moody comes back with his own bodyguard. At the end, Clifford finally stands up and fights back leaving Moody with a broken nose. Take that, Moody! Or should I say Melvin?

8. Roy Stalin (Better Off Dead)

Being dumped by the person you love most is a sad situation, and to be dumped for the most popular guy in school with a badass name like Roy Stalin (Aaron Dozier) is even more heartbreaking. Just ask Lane Myer (John Cusack), who practically tried to kill himself several times over this. While Lane's life was in misery, it didn't help that cocky Roy kept rubbing it in his face that he now had his girl and was king of the K-12. Eventually, Lane proved to Roy that he was the better man by beating his score on the K-12 on one foot and getting himself a much cooler French girlfriend in the end. I'm still waiting for the day they make a sequel featuring the paperboy hunting Roy's ass down for pushing him off the K-12. Oh, and wanting his two dollars. 

7. Judy (Sleepaway Camp)

Words cannot express how I feel about Judy (Karen Fields) from Sleepaway Camp, except for the fact that she is one mean bitch. Plain and simple. She even looks like one with that side ponytail. Judy and the other kids at Camp Arawak were so mean, you pretty much wanted them to get it. They were all stuck up little snots. Maybe it was all due to their shorts being too tight. I don't know. Angela seemed to be minding her own business until Judy and everyone else started messing with her. Girl had to do what she had to do, right?

6. Stan Gable (Revenge of the Nerds)

If you're going to college and you're a bit of a nerd, Stan Gable (Ted McGinley) is a guy you probably don't want to bump into. Stan hates nerds. He'd most likely say they ruined everything for him now these days, but really he did all of the damage to himself. He and the other Alpha Betas made the lives of Gilbert's (Anthony Edwards), Lewis' (Robert Carradine), and the rest of the Lambda Lambda  Lambda gang a living hell by constantly harassing them and making them feel ashamed of who they were until they all decided that they were not going to take it anymore. So they got back at Stan and the Alpha Betas by taking their women and winning control over the Greek Counsil, because after all they're NERRRRRDS and they are proud of it!

5. Hardy Jenns (Some Kind of Wonderful)

Ah, Hardy Jenns. Handsome, smart and a total asshole. Sure he has the good looks and awesome car, but if you are looking for something more serious with Hardy (Craig Sheffer) it's definitely not going to happen. Take Amanda Jones (Lea Thompson) for example. She was the most popular girl in school all due to the fact that she was Hardy's girl, but that soon ended when she dumped him for cheating on her with one of those girls from Wilson Phillips'. What made him such an asshole even more was that he tried to make Amanda look like a fool for dumping him and had all of her friends turn against her. Not to mention the party he was having just so he and his gang could beat up her new date Keith (Eric Stoltz). At least Amanda got back at Hardy with a few bitch slaps and Keith realized that the popular/rich crowd was just not his thing and that the girl of his dreams was really his best friend Watts (Mary Stuart Masterson). Hardy was pretty much left at his own party looking like the real fool.

4. Biff Tannen (Back to the Future)

Going back in time in a DeLorean seems like the coolest thing ever, but going back and being picked on by the same guy who used to pick on your father... not so much. Biff Tannen (Thomas F. Wilson) is pretty much the model for all bullies. He is the kind that gives his victims noogies, takes their lunch money and maybe once in a while call them a butthead or something like that. Biff's favorite victim of all was of course the nerdy George McFly (Crispin Glover). Biff knew he could bully George into doing his homework for him and he even continued to use him as a stepping stone once they entered adult life. It should also be mentioned that Biff was a total pig whenever he was around Lorraine (Lea Thompson). Luckily, when Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox) went back in time he was able to change all that. Biff was longer the big guy on the block.

3. Heather Chandler, Heather Duke and Heather McNamara (Heathers)

Oh, those Heathers. They represent the type of girls everyone hated in high school. The clique consisted of Heather Duke (Shannen Doherty), Heather McNamara (Lisanna Falk) and the leader Heather Chandler (Kim Walker). They were rich, pretty and popular. Did I mention they were mega-bitches too? Although they knew they were top shit at their school, behind all that they had problems just like everybody else. That pretty much explains why they were hated by their peers more than they were adored by them. Veronica Sawyer (Winona Ryder) was one of the those people that was sort of in between. Even though she was friends with the Heathers, she was also enemies with them. She wanted to put a stop to them and once she met new guy J.D. (Christian Slater) that wish came true, just not the way she had planned.

2. Steff McKee (Pretty in Pink)

Steff  (James Spader) might have had the good looks, but he was too much of a dick for Andie's (Molly Ringwald) taste. All he cared about was smoking cigarettes, being rich and screwing all the girls at school. He didn't even care that he tried to ruin the relationship between his best friend Blane (Andrew McCarthy) and Andie, because the truth was that he really wanted her and was pissed at the fact that she wasn't ever going to give him a chance. Just shows how mature he was about it since there was another guy by the name of Duckie (Jon Cryer) who was trying to win Andie over too, but you didn't hear him call her a bitch. Oh well, turns out at the end Blane got Andie, Duckie got a Duckette and Steff got shit.  

1. Johnny Lawrence (The Karate Kid)

Well, who else did you think was going to be number one? William Zabka is without a doubt the quintessential jerk of the 1980's. If it weren't for Zabka, we probably wouldn't have a lot of the other jerks that we love to hate today. Although he played a bully in several teen films from the '80s like Just One of the Guys and Back to School, his most memorable role is of course the role of Johnny Lawrence in The Karate Kid. It almost seemed like everything was all peachy for new kid Daniel LaRusso (Ralph Macchio) until the night he met his friend Ali Mills' (Elisabeth Shue) ex-boyfriend Johnny Lawrence. From then on Johnny and his gang made Daniel's life a living hell by using their Cobra Kai moves on him, eventually forcing him to learn karate from his neighbor Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) in order to fight back. As we all know Daniel succeeds in the end, but you also can't help but feel bad for Johnny. He wanted to try and beat Daniel fair and square, but his sensei John Kreese (Martin Kove) thought different and forced Johnny to "sweep the leg". Even when Daniel won Johnny handed him the trophy and complimented him showing that he wasn't such a bad guy after all. Although he is one of the few bullies that changed his evil ways at the end, we still can't forget all the hell him and his Cobra Kai buds put Daniel through. 

Honorable Mentions:
Mick McAllister (Teen Wolf)
Ace Merrill (Stand By Me)
Wendy Richards (Prom Night)
Fred Gallo (The Heavenly Kid)
Brad (Night of the Creeps)
Tommy (Valley Girl)
Chet Donnelly/Ian & Max (Weird Science)
Russ Deacon (18 Again!)